In the previous lessons, we talked about the symptoms of child abuse and neglect, we covered how it can affect the body and mind, and in this lesson, we will explain how emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse and neglect can have a negative or positive outlook on adulthood.
Two Scenarios, Two Outcomes
Situation 1
Imagine a person, named David, who has gone through abuse and neglect for several years in his childhood. David never got the help he deserved. Even as an adult, he felt that he didn’t need therapy. David grew up and started to look for a relationship to settle down and start a family. He has had a hard time attaching to anyone he has dated. He feels scared putting down all the walls he has been building up for years. He can’t seem to open up to anyone because he fears getting hurt, he fears being alone, and he feels he is unworthy of someone loving him. All these problems begin to arise internally, and he continues to live an unhappy life.
Situation Two
Now, imagine another person named Sam, who has also gone through abuse and neglect in his childhood. Sam grew up, but when he turned 21, he decided it was best to get professional help for his anxiety that had been building up for years because of his past. He begins to meet with a therapist twice a month. He also meets a girl and they start dating exclusively. They have been dating for over a year now. Sam knows things are getting serious and wants to marry her, but he fears that she will leave him and mistreat him like his mother did. Even though his significant other has never given him any signs that she would ever hurt him. Since he has been working with his therapist, he has been able to express his feelings and concerns to his significant other. She is very understanding of his past and reassures him that she truly loves him and will always take care of him. He begins to feel secure in his relationship and they both decide to get married.
If we take a look at both scenarios, they both have had similar childhoods where there was abuse and neglect involved. Both David and Sam have insecurities about their future, but they both handled things differently. David thought since it had been many years that had passed since he was abused, he didn’t need a therapist. Sam also dealt with anxiety, but he was able to learn to cope with his anxieties and talk about it with his therapist and significant other. By doing so, he was able to be in a healthy relationship and live a happy life.
When a child is abused and neglected from a young age, it can have a detrimental effect on adulthood. Your thoughts and perceptions of the world begin to change, you begin to see people differently, and you begin building up walls to protect yourself from continuing to get hurt. Once a child has gone through a traumatizing experience, it can be hard to live a life without fears and anxieties that trigger past memories, flashbacks, and unwanted emotions. That is why opening up and talking about it can be a great way to release those unwanted feelings and anxieties that are affecting your adulthood. Whether you seek out a therapist, or you find a trusted adult to talk to, opening up and being honest about how you truly feel can make all the difference in how you cope with anxiety and depression later on in your life.
As we go through this lesson, keep in mind the type of abuse or neglect that you have had to overcome over the years. We will go through each type of abuse and discuss the different outcomes of life you can have from abuse.
Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse is a type of maltreatment that is particularly connected to depressive symptoms in adulthood. In a study done by the University of North Texas, they found that emotional maltreatment was the strongest predictor for depression. Researchers and scholars suggested that a major consequence of emotional abuse is children treating themselves the way they were treated by their parents or caregivers. (Ross, N. D., Kaminski, P. L., & Herrington, R., 2019). This has a great impact on a child’s self-compassion and self-esteem that can lead to shame and depression later on in their life. Introjection is when a child begins to internalize the treatment and views of their parents and it reflects on how they perceive the world and themselves. For example, a father might tell his son, “Boys, don’t cry in public, you’ll look stupid if you do.” The son may internalize this concept that his father told him, and it can reflect on how he behaves in public and how he views himself.
If a child is constantly getting criticized on the way they are dressed, how they eat, what they are doing it can impact their self-compassion and lead to self-blame and self-criticism. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, “Self-compassion involved acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?” (Neff, 2019). This concept can be hard to learn and hard to apply to yourself if you don’t have self-compassion. But it is a great way to change your mentality from shaming yourself or feeling guilty to “how can I comfort myself in this moment?”
My Mom was Emotionally Abusive
Here is a story of a friend who allowed me to share her experiences of emotional abuse growing up:
“I grew up with loving parents. They always provided the things I needed, and I never went hungry. Even though everything seemed great on the outside there were feelings of abandonment that I was hiding. I am the oldest child and I generally felt very disconnected from my family. I felt like my parents looked at me often and thought “Oh she’s older than the others, she will figure it out in her own” and then they moved onto caring for my younger siblings. My father worked in a different state and was gone often on travel, and I didn’t have a great relationship with my mother. Due to the emotional abuse and disconnect that I felt with my family I turned my head to focus on other things that would make me feel better. That led me down a dark path that I still struggle with to this day. Some parents intentionally neglect or abuse, and others do not; but the point of my story is that no matter how big or small the emotional abuse was, it is still ABUSE.”
After talking to this friend, I realized that although she had loving parents that provided her with all the basic needs, she still felt left out. She told me that her mother would be very blunt and say things very harshly. My friend is not married or doesn’t have any children at this point in her life, and that is okay. But, when your mother continuously reminds you or asks you why boys don’t like you, it can have a hard impact on how you view yourself. If only this friend could see how beautiful she is inside and out, she may be able to love herself the way she is. I don’t know if this friend struggles with her self-image or struggles having self-compassion, but parents can have a strong impact on how their children view themselves later on in life.
Long-Term Effects
Emotional abuse consists of yelling, name-calling, insults and shaming, invading your privacy, punishments for not going along with what your parents want, trying to control your life, or isolating you from friends and family (Pietrangelo, 2018). None of which is listed would be considered normal, but your feelings are definitely. There are both short-term effects and long-term effects to emotional abuse. But we are here to talk about how it can affect adulthood, so we will be discussing more of the long-term effects if you don’t receive help.
Many studies have shown that emotional abuse can be as detrimental as physical abuse. Overtime, like I discussed earlier, it can lead to problems with your self-esteem and can cause depression later on in life (Neff, 2019). As the years go by you may also develop anxiety, chronic pain, guilt, insomnia, social withdrawal, or loneliness (Pietrangelo, 2018). A study of a community was done to see how others have dealt with emotional abuse in their adulthood. Some examples included:
1. “I can’t accept compliments. When someone [compliments] me, my response would just be ‘umm yeah’ or I’ll just smile awkwardly. I just figured out why… During my childhood, people just [noticed] my mistakes and not my achievements. So now it is hard for me to accept compliments.” (Virzi, 2017).
2. “I’m an overachiever. At everything and anything. I still feel the need to prove I’m good enough. I obsess about doing a job/task to perfection. And then I obsess about how I could do it better. [I worry] about others’ opinions way too much.” (Virzi, 2017).
3. I always feel like I am doing everything wrong… It’s very hard to convince me I am good at something.” (Virzi, 2017).
These are all people who have been emotionally abused as children. You can see by their examples that they have a hard time accepting compliments, or not feeling that they will ever be good enough, or simply feeling like everything they do is wrong. Think about if that’s the life you want to continue to live. If it’s not, then there are many places you can go to reach out for help to learn healthy coping mechanisms. In our next lesson plan, we will discuss different coping techniques that will help you become resilient to abuse and neglect.
Physical Abuse
Physical abuse is becoming more common in our society today. It is one of the most common forms of child maltreatment. Physical abuse is any adult, parent or caregiver that physically hurts or injures a child leaving marks, cuts, bruises, sprains, or broken bones (The National Child Traumatic Stress Network). Children that have been physically abused can struggle with many things later on in life. Research suggests that children who are physically abused are more likely to project behavior problems that can cause them to act out more aggressively and become involved in delinquent behaviors. In adolescent years, a physically abused child is more likely to get involved in sustenance abuse, breaking the law, or have disruptive disorders (Yoon, 2018). Men who were abused as children, are at-risk of becoming physical abusers themselves and women who were physically abused as children are more likely to participate in risky-sexual behaviors in adulthood.
According to the, “Australian component of the International Violence Against Women Survey (IVAWS) indicated that 72% of women who experienced either physical or sexual abuse as a child also experienced violence in adulthood, compared to 43% of women who did not experience childhood abuse” (Mouzos & Makkai, 2004). These statistics were astounding to see. It saddens us that both men and women can have a poor adulthood due to their childhood experiences of physical abuse.
Many people in my life have told me “Time heals everything.” I am not sure how true that is. I do believe that over time, you begin to learn to live with the pain you endured as a child, but it doesn’t fix the damages that you have internally. Physical abuse can be very damaging internally. Bruises, red marks, sprains and even broken bones can heal on the outside, but the most damage happens on the inside. It is the memories, the thoughts, and the way you see others that doesn’t change. You can’t erase your past as much as you wish you could, but you can definitely control the decisions you make in the future.
An Experience of Physical Abuse and Resiliency
“It started when I was 5 years old. My father was very physically abusive towards me. My mother said she had me by accident, that I should have never been born. My father would hit me all the time and I had no idea why. They were always so angry with me. They told me that if I told anyone about the bruises or marks on my body, I would regret it, so I stayed quiet or I would lie if anyone asked. The abuse happened for 8 years before I could finally get away. When I turned 13 years old, I decided to run away. I ran to my best friend’s house and told his parents everything. They immediately called child protective services and I was taken away from my parents. I was in the foster system for 2 years before I was adopted by my aunt.”
The person behind this story was my neighbor. My family had no idea this was going on. My neighbor even went to the same school as me. I can’t believe I didn’t realize it sooner. We moved houses before he ran away so I haven’t spoken with him since then. I asked family and friends for experiences of any abuse or neglect they went through in their childhood, so I could write this blog and he messaged me giving me permission to share his story. I asked him how he was doing since all this happened and he shared the rest of his story that I find inspiring.
He is now 22 years old and is married to a beautiful woman. They have a little boy that is 9 months old. When I asked him how he has coped with the physical abuse from his childhood, he said at first it was really hard. He was in the foster system until his aunt adopted him at 15. When he was adopted, his aunt would take him to church. She put him in a really great school and he began making friends. He made one best friend that said helped him through a lot. He never went to therapy, but his relationship with his best friend helped him become resilient to the trauma he went through as a child. He still struggles, because the memories of abuse are never forgotten. But he said “I learned to live in the moment with my family. My thoughts have geared towards the here and now of life. I love my wife and I adore my son. But most importantly, I learned to love myself. They are the two most important people in my life, and I will spend every day protecting them from harm.”
My neighbor dealt with a lot of physical abuse from both his father and mother growing up. He didn’t deserve anything he went through as a child. I am amazed at how he has become resilient over the years. Sometimes, it takes a trusted friend, mentor, therapist, or loved one to help you go through everything you’ve been through. 8 years of physical abuse and he has managed to overcome the odds. My neighbor could have chosen a different path for his life. He could have chosen a path of rebellion and gotten involved in unhealthy habits. But he chose to continue his education, get married, and have children. He couldn’t control what happened in his past, but he could control what happens in his future.
Sexual Abuse
The exposure to childhood sexual abuse has been shown to have harmful effects on mental health outcomes in adulthood (Lind, M. J., Brown, R. C., Sheerin, C., 2018). Some of the outcomes that are associated with child sexual abuse are depression, anxiety, eating disorders, substance abuse, self-blame, shame, guilt, denial, repression, sexual problems and relationship problems (Lind, M. J., Brown, R. C., Sheerin, C., 2018). Over the last ten years child sexual abuse has received a lot of attention. In a recent study, researchers found that 33% of women had experienced sexual abuse and 18% of males had experiences sexual abuse (Roland, 2002, as cited in Long, Burnett, & Thomas, 2006). This is not including the assaults that go unreported. The worst part of sexual abuse is that the most common form of sexual abuse is incest. Both women and men have reported higher levels of anxiety and depression due to this trauma. Sexual abuse has the power to delay normal social growth and cause different psychosocial problems (Maltz, 2002).
There are many factors that can influence how impacted the child was from the sexual abuse. Some of those factors include the individual’s perspective on the world, what kind of support they are given after, and what resources they have. If you have ever been sexually abused you will know that, we tend to internalize what happened to us and we portray that on ourselves. Because we carry so much shame and guilt within us, we begin to have negative thoughts about ourselves. After so many years of telling ourselves we are worthless, we don’t deserve to be loved, we don’t deserve a good relationship, we begin to truly believe it. I know at least for me this happened.
Let’s Continue My Story
As you all have been following my story throughout the lessons, you have read that I was sexually abused in my childhood. I felt though as if I had lost everything. What I mean by that is I did have a lot of self-blame. It was hard to put those who had hurt me in a “negative light.” It was hard for me to see these people as bad people. So, I started internalizing a lot of different emotions. Most of those emotions were feelings of anger, fear, stress, and worthlessness. I developed an eating disorder of bulimia because I felt like it was the only thing I could control.
I chose to live and keep fighting my internal battles. I tried to see a therapist once, and it didn’t work out. I felt like I couldn’t connect with anyone. I was looking for some sort of protection in my life. I met a boy who I liked. This boy gave me attention, he made me feel heard. I got letters and flowers from him. He was my everything.
There were red flags about this boy, but I didn’t see them at the time because all I knew was that he liked me and gave me so much attention. When I was about 16 years old, we started “dating.” My family was definitely not fond of the idea. But that didn’t matter to me because I was so in love. When I turned 18, I moved out of my house to be with this boy I fell deeply in love with at 14. It wasn’t long before he started taking advantage of me.
All the red flags I missed when I was 14, started to not just be flags. They became my reality. I was physically and emotionally abused by him. He would come home drunk and beat me. He would constantly remind me that I was stupid, that I didn’t have any common sense, and that I wasn’t good enough anymore. He told me what I could and couldn’t wear, how to do my hair, and when I could and couldn’t do my makeup. He began controlling every part of my life. He kept me isolated from my family and all of my friends. This thing I once called “love” was beginning to be the worst nightmare of my life.
I had given up on the idea of love. Growing up my family was very religious. At church they teach you about marriage and how it is this amazing thing between husband and wife. They teach you that you should become “one” with your spouse. I couldn’t understand why or how that was even possible. I believed that men were just capable of hurting women. I thought to myself that I would never marry or give love another try. I constantly asked myself these questions:
1. What did I do wrong to be sexually abused as a little girl, and then fall into an abusive relationship?
2. Is something wrong with me? Did I deserve this?
3. Are all men evil?
4. Am I ever going to find that “fairy tale love?” Does it even exist?
5. Am I unworthy of good in my life?
6. Does God hate me?
I am sure there were more thoughts and questions running through my head that I could write a book on my life story, but that is for another time. The point of my story is that in my childhood, I was destroyed internally. I tried to find protection and love, the kind of love that wouldn’t hurt me. But instead I was blind-sided and fell into another abuser’s arms. Little did I know that many girls who have been sexually abused fall into the arms of more abuse.
I felt stuck in my situation. I didn’t want to move back home because I enjoyed my independence, but all my freedom consisted of more abuse. I didn’t know where I belonged in the world or what my purpose was. I fell into another dark place. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend and decided to just rethink my life and move home. Breaking up with him was next to impossible because I feared for my life. He threatened to kill me if I left him, but when I finally did leave him, he would follow me and show up to my work. I ended up having to get a restraining order against him, so he would stop. Life was a blur. I worked on healing my internal wounds. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. I learned self-love and I learned my true identity. In the next lesson, I will finish up my story, so you can all see how I got to where I am now. You’ll want to read about it! It gets better.
You Deserve a Happy Ending
Sexual abuse of any kind is traumatizing no matter what age you are. Abuse has the potential to affect your life and the way you choose to live your life forever. It doesn’t have to though. If you have made poor decisions due to abuse to cope with what you went through as a child, it is not your fault. Hope is not lost, it never is. I turned my life around for the better and so can you. You deserve a happy ending. You control your outcome as an adult. You can’t change your past, but you can control the present to live a happy future. In the next lesson, we will review coping mechanisms and the way to living a resilient life.
Neglect
Neglect is the most common form of abuse in the United States, yet it is not being researched or studied enough. Because it is not researched enough, it was hard to find studies on the outcomes of neglect in adulthood. What we did find was that there are different types of neglect and they can have long term effects on a person’s health. Emotional neglect is a silent and invisible type of neglect. You can see physical neglect by looking at the way a child dresses, if they are malnourished or if they smell unclean like they haven’t showered in weeks. But emotional neglect is not heard of very much, yet it’s a very large overlooked phenomenon in the world of psychology.
Statistics
A study that measured the rates of neglect in a national sample found that more than 1 in 17 children experienced some type of neglect in the past year, and more than 1 in 7 children experienced some form of neglect in their lives (Vanderminden, J., Hamby, S., David-Ferdon, 2019). The most common form of neglect was supervisory neglect due to parental absence. Most children don’t understand neglection when they are young, so they begin to internalize the things that are said to them or done to them.
Internalizing Pain
Neglected children internalize the loneliness they feel and all the pain they have caused. They begin to think it is their fault. Children who have been neglected are often told that they are selfish or too sensitive when it comes to their needs. A lot of what is internalized is their self-worth. Especially in neglect, children tend to question their self-worth. Take a minute to think about if you have ever questioned your self-worth and why?
The Brain
Traumatic experiences alter your brain development. As a child begins to mature, their brain starts to change in response to the child’s environment (McBride, 2017). Our brains develop in sequences just how we develop physically. Since at a very young age, our brains are malleable which means our brains have the power to alter and function differently as we begin to adult. Childhood traumatic experiences can change the framework of the brain. The way you think, the way you perceive life, all have to do with how your brain has learned to cope with what you have been through. The functioning of your brain all has to do with experiences we go through in our lives.
How it Affects Adulthood
Post-traumatic stress disorder is one of the most common consequences of being neglected. Many people who have been neglected in their childhood often have attachment problems later on in life. Emotional development for a child is crucial, but if they were never given that emotional attachment than it is more likely that as they grow into adulthood, fear will play a big role in making and staying in relationships. Children are often humiliated and shamed a lot in neglect, so it can potentially lead to mental health problems.
If you have been neglected in your childhood, please know that you can find your self-worth, you can begin to self-love and you can find your true identity. It is going to take work, a lot of work. But you are worth it.
“You don’t have to take counsel from the wounded parents who treated you badly. You can define yourself, and live and model a different kind of life and parenting style with your own children. This starts with working on your personal trauma and getting it processed. Don’t go it alone; get help when needed and don’t minimize the pain. You may think it is too selfish or self-absorbed to discuss your feelings, but they will catch up to you in the long run” (McBride, 2017).
It is important that you begin to take care of yourself. It is not selfish to think about your feelings or to discuss them. The way you feel is important. If you want to live a healthy life not fearing relationships or having an enormous amount of anxiety, then talk about the pain you have been living with for many years. It will truly change the outcome of your future. You have the potential to change your life and start thinking about your needs. Life is too short to continuously have to live in pain.
Take Action
Well, this lesson was lengthy, but you got through it! For this take action, please take the time to watch this video on self-love and self-care. You have been through a lot in your life. It is important that you understand that you have the potential to love yourself and care for yourself the way you deserve. It all starts in how you think and how you feel about yourself. Once you master self-love and self-care your self-worth will begin to grow.
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