Now that we have gone through and listed many of the symptoms of child abuse and neglect, it is important to come to understand what has really happened to you and how the brain and mind work after you have been abused and/or neglected. Let me share an experience with you first.
My Thoughts vs. Reality
In the last lesson, I began to tell you a little bit about my story. I still have a hard time sharing my story because it makes me vulnerable and scared. But I have learned that vulnerability is not a bad thing, it actually helps us grow and become resilient. So, here is the rest of my story.
A few years after my cousin had sexually abused me, I told my parents. There was a huge sense of relief when I told them. I stopped feeling ashamed and embarrassed. I was starting to heal, when everything took a left turn. I was 18 when I was sexually abused again. This ex-boyfriend of mine destroyed everything I had left in me. My hope, my self-esteem, my self-worth, and my dignity were all gone, so I thought. I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore or what my purpose was. I was angry with God, angry with the world and angry with myself for not stopping it or for not saying anything sooner. I remember one specific experience where my thoughts were running, but I was still. Here is what I mean by that.
My thoughts: STOP, PLEASE STOP. I was screaming, begging to be free. I was telling him, DON'T DO THIS TO ME. I just want my mom. I was crying and begging for him not to get near me. Hoping he would go away and leave me alone. Why is my chest pounding so hard? I can’t breathe. Someone please SAVE ME.
Reality: I was frozen. I couldn't move or say one word. I felt stuck, trapped. My body just laid there so innocently.
As a child, we don’t know how we are going to react to certain situations, especially traumatic situations. We are taught that if a stranger ever approaches you, you say, “My mommy says I can’t talk to strangers.” Then, run away. But what happens if it is not a stranger? What if it is someone you know, someone you thought you trusted? Then what are we taught? Nothing.
Our bodies and minds react to abuse and neglect in many different ways. We are going to talk about the three most common; fight, flight and freeze. When a child feels that they are in danger, their survival mode of fight or flight response is activated. When the child feels stuck and helpless that's when our body’s response is to freeze (Kezelman, 2019).
Flight, Fight, Freeze
When you encounter abuse and neglect in your childhood, your body tends to react in certain ways. We have basic emotions that allow us to react to different situations or circumstances. Fear is the basic emotion that drives a person to act in order to escape from threats or have a defensive approach in situations where avoidance is not an option (Maack, 2015). Fear is what drives us to flight during threats if we find an escape that is possible. Freeze is more a passive avoidance where we can’t react to threats in the moment or fight is a more defensive approach when escaping is not an option (Maack, 2015).
As I look back at my thought process from the beginning of the lesson, I questioned why I was able to think so clearly, but yet not move or say anything. For many years after I had gone through this experience, I wondered why I remained frozen under so much fear. I asked myself over and over some questions you may all have asked yourselves at one point in your lives. Did I like it? Did I want it to happen? Was it my fault? Am I a terrible person for not stopping it? These questions ran through my head constantly. After much research and talking to a therapist, I finally came to realize that I was just a girl being taken advantage of by an adult. My body’s response to fear was to freeze. In my mind, there was not an escape and I knew I couldn’t fight back, so I froze. Our minds and bodies are quick to react when we feel threatened or scared. We sometimes don’t realize how our own bodies and minds work until after the traumatic experiences happen.
What Happened to my Friend
I know we have been talking about abuse more in this lesson than neglect, but the fight flight and freeze response also applies to neglectful situations. Let me share another story of a friend of mine that has chosen to be anonymous.
“I grew up in a home where I thought I had loving parents. Things were okay from what I remember, until I had 3 younger siblings. My dad served in the military, so he was gone a lot of the time. When my dad was around, all my siblings and I were really happy, and my mom treated all of us with so much love. But things turned once my dad left again. My mom neglected me. ONLY ME. My younger siblings were given breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I ate whatever they had left on their plates. If they finished their food, I didn’t get to eat that day. She would make me clean up after everyone, take showers last so I would get the cold water and she would make me sleep on the floor since we didn’t have enough beds. I would try to run away but when I couldn’t run fast enough, I would stop and just let her hit me. I never tried to fight back because I knew the consequences would be worse if I fought back or ran away.”
My childhood friend was robbed of all her basic needs that every parent should provide for their little ones. How awful that must’ve been to always be pushed away, never given food, given cold showers, and beat while watching all her other siblings get everything. My friend didn’t understand why her mom had treated her so poorly or what she did to deserve so much pain in her life. What my friend didn’t understand was that she did absolutely nothing to deserve being neglected and abused. She didn’t understand that it wasn’t her fault. The problem wasn’t her, the problem was the abuser.
There are many people in this world that put the blame of abuse and neglect on themselves, when they were the victims. I know I did for a very long time and so might you. Whether you are religious or not, we encourage you to seek out professional help. If you are religious, pray for comfort and strength to be able to understand and cope with the abuse and/or neglect you have been through. There is no cure for trauma, there are only coping mechanisms that help you learn to live with it, which we will discuss the different coping mechanisms we have found to be helpful in our lives in the next few lessons.
How it Affects the Mind and Body
When child abuse and neglect occur, it can take a really big toll on our body and on our mind. Physical abuse results in bodily injuries and physical pain, but emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and neglect can also have a significant effect on the body as well. Neglect, emotional abuse, and sexual abuse can eventually cause long-term changes in the brain that can lead to depression, anxiety, addictions, and other problems that can affect a person’s life forever if left untreated (Foundations Recovery, 2019). Physically our bodies can become weak, tired, and drained. These are signs of depression. Our minds are also a huge part of our bodies.
Our brain has the ability to impact our response to pain, the ability to be able to find closure and heal, and it has the ability to feel rested (Foundations Recovery, 2019). When we are suffering from depression and anxiety because of our history of child abuse and neglect, our mind and body aren’t able to work properly to be healthy. This is why many of us turn to substance abuse and other unhealthy behaviors to cope with the depression and anxiety that occur within us.
It is understandable that as victims of abuse, we turn to anything that temporarily numbs the pain we are in. But it is not a long-term cure. Substance abuse and acting out in unhealthy behaviors can damage our bodies and minds more. Numbing the pain doesn’t cure anything, it only prolongs the inevitable. Speak to a therapist and/ or join a group therapy where you can relate to others, so you know you aren’t alone. Give yourself the opportunity of a great life that you deserve. In the next few lessons, we will be discussing coping mechanisms to become resilient towards abuse and neglect. Hope is definitely not lost, you still have a great chance of living a healthy life and having healthy relationships.
PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder)
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a mental health condition caused by a traumatic experience that someone has experienced or witnessed (Mayo Clinic, 2018). PTSD can be triggered from emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse and neglect. Here are a list of physical symptoms and health problems that occur from PTSD (Foundations Recovery, 2019).
1. Nightmares and insomnia, these both can lead to feeling weak and loss of concentration
2. Anxiety and fidgety in places you are unfamiliar with
3. Having an extreme startle reflex which can cause you to withdraw from people
4. Not being able to make personal relationships or withdrawing from social events or situations
5. Mood swings, anger, rage
6. Being able to “turn off” emotions, this includes feeling numb and disconnected from he world, your family and friends.
7. Feeling pain and body aches randomly
8. You feel that your heart is always racing, high blood pressure
9. Health conditions related to stress
10. Wanting to be alone, not trusting anyone.
(Foundations Recovery, 2019).
If you have ever experienced any of these symptoms, you are not alone. PTSD can alter a person’s mind and body physically and mentally. Traumatic events that happen as a child have been found in research to be associated with: “poor academic performance, decreased reading ability, and lower high school graduation rates, as well as mental and physical health problems later on in life” (Irving, 2019, pg. 48). Child abuse and neglect aren’t something victims of abuse should just get over. These are the effects of trauma no matter how severe the abuse or neglect was. It is not too late to get help. If you feel like you have hit rock bottom, the only direction you can go now is up. Believe that you have hope, because you do.
Interview with a Doctor on Brain Development
Please take a minute to hear this interview with Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. In this interview Barbra Lewis and Dr. Bessel van der Kolk talk about abuse and neglect in childhood and how it has a profound effect on brain development.
Now that you have listened to the interview, think about how child abuse and neglect have affected your brain development. Think about the choices you have made because your thought process and perspective on the world has altered.
The human brain is shaped by experience (Side Effect, 2015). When abuse and neglect occur in your childhood, your brain rewires to always be alert of constant danger around you. It is in a constant state of fear that tries to make those memories and emotions go away (Side Effect, 2015). Because of this, the brain can get confused and that’s when depression, anxiety, PTSD and other health concerns arise. It is important to take care of your mental health, so that you can live a healthy life. There are ways to begin taking those small steps to living a good and healthy life. You can begin by doing breathing exercises.
Take Action
The body and mind are what help us function and get through our every day lives. It is important to keep both healthy and strong. A way to do that is through being healthy. Some things that can help are to go for a walk to get your mind off things, have a healthy diet, get sufficient rest, and try breathing exercises. Below is a breathing exercise you can do when you feel anxious or get triggered by PTSD.
Box Breathing
Begin by imaging a box. The four sides represent the four parts of box breathing.
You breathe in for a count of 4.
You hold your breath for a count of 4.
You exhale for a count of 4.
And you hold for a count of 4.
This breathing technique is taught to Navy Seals so that they can manage stressful situations. Just like they are taught, you can also use the box breathing when you feel tense, stressed, or anxious. The great thing about box breathing is that you can really do it anywhere and whatever time you want to. You will see that this exercise will relax you and help you balance your nervous system (Alidina, 2018). The next lesson will discuss how abuse and neglect can affect adulthood.
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