Overcoming the odds of child abuse and neglect takes time and effort. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it. In this lesson, we will discuss coping strategies to live a strong, resilient life. Up to this point, we have discussed the symptoms of child abuse and neglect, how abuse affects the body and mind, and how it plays a role in adulthood. We have shared many personal and intimate experiences with you to show you, we have been there. We can relate to you and we want to help.
What is Coping?
What is coping? “Coping refers to a range of diverse cognitions and behaviors used to manage the internal and external demands of a stressful or threatening situation (Walsh, K., Fortier, M., DiLillo, D., 2010). Cognitive coping techniques refers to changing your perception or conception of a situation. Behavioral coping strategies includes taking action that help minimize the effect of the abuse and neglect. Let me give you an example of cognitive and behavioral coping.
Savannah’s Situation
Savannah was born and raised in Southern California. When she was born, her mother left her with her father and took off. Her father became overwhelmed with having to take care of a newborn and holding a job. He became very physically abusive. Savannah came close to severe physical damage. As she got older, Savannah knew she had a few choices to make. As bad as she wanted to numb the internal pain her father caused her, she knew drugs would only be a temporary fix. She was offered many substances by her friends over and over again that she ended up going down an unhealthy path for about a year. Internally, she had a desire to be better. She knew she deserved a better life. She started talking to a therapist that helped her look at life with a more positive perspective. Savannah learned that because she had gone through physical abuse at a very young age, she became stronger as a person. She was able start coping and making decisions that would only make her stronger. She started exercising. Savannah ran every single day because it was her way of letting out her anger and stress. She was able to think clearly when she ran, and it became her outlet.
Savannah had a horrible upbringing. Her father was very abusive to her and it could have changed Savannah’s perspective of life for a very long time. There was a part of Savannah that knew she deserved better than what she had. All she needed was a little hope and desire to live a good and healthy life. She was able to get the help she needed and begin coping in a way that was healthy and worked for her. She used cognitive coping to change her perception of life to a more positive outlook. She used behavioral coping and started running. It was her healthy outlet of releasing all the anger and hurt she had built up for years. After years of getting help, Savannah was able to go to her father and say, “I forgive you.”
The point we are trying to make is that if you just have a small desire to change your life and a little hope in being able to do that, it can make the difference in how you live the rest of your life. You deserve to be happy. You should never let any type of abuse let you feel like it was your fault. Whether you have been physically abused, sexually abused, emotionally abused or neglected, you get to choose your future. You may not have had a say in your past, you may not have been able to control your past, but you can definitely begin to control the rest of your life. Whether it has been a year, five years, ten years or twenty years since you have been abused, it is never too late to start living a better, healthier life.
How Have You Learned to Live?
Over the course of your life, you have been emotionally scarred due to some type of abuse. Think about how you have handled your circumstances as time passed.
• Where is your life now?
• Has abuse in your childhood affected the choices you have made later on in life?
• Have you made mistakes you wish you hadn’t? Could it have stemmed from abuse?
These are questions you should begin to think about. Abuse can cause much heartache and consequences. Have you ever made continuous mistakes in your life and look back and think, “How was I capable of that, or I don’t understand what got into me?” Maybe you’re not at that point yet, but I have definitely thought about that.
How you learn to cope with abuse can depend on the severity of the abuse. Abuse is considered abuse no matter how long it happened or how severe it was. But how we learn to cope and the choices we make can reflect on the severity of the abuse. There will be times in your life where you feel lost and scared, but there will also be times in your life where you will feel strong and powerful. Coping is finding that balance of beginning to heal the internal wounds, but also finding peace and comfort through healthy habits.
Coping Strategies
According to the National Center of Excellence for Complex trauma, “The adult survivor becomes the fighter, the accommodator, the escape artist, the victim, the denier, the overachiever, and the ‘pleaser’” (Blue Knot Foundation, 2019). We, as victims of abuse, put up walls to defend ourselves against the world. We become very defensive when we get offended or when someone says something to us that we didn’t like. We change who we are to protect ourselves from other people who have the potential to hurt us. We sometimes become people pleasers to avoid giving anyone the opportunity to hurt us. Instead of becoming someone you aren’t, wouldn’t it be nice to be yourself and accept others comments without being defensive or agreeing with them, even if you don’t? Wouldn’t life be so much better if we didn’t have to hide behind a wall and always be looking behind our backs, so we don’t get hurt again? This is where healthy coping strategies come in.
There are different types of coping. There are three specific coping strategies we will be focusing on. Within coping, problem-focused coping, emotion-focused coping and avoidance-focused coping strategies.
Emotion-focused coping allows a person to try to reduce the negative responses that comes from abuse. Problem-focused coping tries to reduce or eliminate the whole cause of the problem. Avoidant coping are strategies used to help manage feeling powerless and helplessness, but it can ultimately end up controlling the survivor.
Emotion-Focused Coping
Emotion-focused coping is trying to reduce the amount of negative emotional responses that come from the abuse or in any case the stressor. Usually the negative responses include shame, guilt, embarrassment, fear, anxiety, depression or frustration (McLeod, 1970). For example, in order to remove negative feelings, one might turn to drug therapy because it focuses on the arousal caused by the abuse and neglect (McLeod, 1970). Will that be effective long-term? No. But here is a list of coping techniques that are emotion-focused.
• Distraction, by staying busy to avoid thinking about the abuse
• Emotional disclosure. This can include writing about your traumatic events from your past and going into as much detail about how you felt (Pennebaker, 1995)
• Praying (if that’s what you believe) for guidance and strength.
• Meditation, e.g. mindfulness.
• Eating more (comfort food)
• Drinking alcohol.
• Using drugs.
• Journaling, like writing a diary for things you are grateful for (Cheng, Tsui, & Lam, 2015).
• Cognitive reappraisal. Changing or reframing your initial perception of the stressor (Lazarus & Alfert, 1964).
• Suppressing negative thoughts or emotions. Suppressing emotions over a long period of time can eventually lead to poor physical and mental health (Petrie, K. J., Booth, R. J., & Pennebaker, 1988).
In Emotion-focused coping strategies, you can see that there are some useful strategies you can use to reduce the amount of negative emotional responses that you have. But this strategy has not been found most-effective due to negative impacts and unhealthy habits that can form from the coping techniques like drug use, alcohol use, suppressing your emotions, eating excessively, and depending on the type of distraction you use these can all be harmful to you. I wanted to list them anyway, because if you have done any of these, you were or are just coping with what happened to you. Some of the coping strategies listed, can be ineffective and can end up ignoring the root of the problem (McLeod, 1970).
Emotion-coping does not provide long-term solutions for the abuse you have faced as a child and it can have poor side effects that just delays you from actually dealing with the problem itself.
Problem-Focused Coping
Problem-focused coping strategies tends to reduce or completely eliminate the cause of the problem (Saigal, 2003). It focuses on changing or modifying the root cause for the stressor. An article was written by The Department of Educational Scientist, called Child Abuse and Children’s Strategies to Cope with Abuse came up with a list of problem-focuses coping strategies. Below I have listed ways in which a person acts to correct the situation (Osmanoğlu, 2019).
• Trying of obtain more information about the situation
• Doing relaxing/breathing exercises (can be found in lesson 2 plan)
• Instead of obsessively pondering about the abuse, try out a new activity
• Talking to relatives or a trusted adult about the problem
• Talking to an expert (therapist, religious man etc.)
• Creating and following through on an action plan
• Seeking help from individuals or groups having had the same experiences (group therapy)
• Deriving a positive outcome from the situation (positive outlook on life)
• Trying to reduce the tension by doing physical activities such as sports or yoga, washing cars, dancing (Osmanoğlu, 2019).
Problem-focused coping seems to be the most effective when it comes to coping with abuse and neglect. Of course, there is not a set of coping strategies that work perfect or effectively every time. As I, Karina, have gone through abuse in my life, I have seen myself happier when I’ve used this set of coping strategies. There are more positive outcomes that come from problem-focused coping that emotion-focused coping. I have used coping strategies from both lists and found that I have been able to reduce a lot of the stress and anxiety from doing physical activities every day. I love to run. Running is my way of thinking about my future goals, getting rid of anger and anxiety, and focusing on myself. As you look through this list of problem-focused coping strategies think about a few things you can try that may be able to help you gain a more positive perspective on life.
Avoidant-Focused Coping
Avoidant-focused coping is a very ineffective way to cope. I know you may be thinking, well why list them? We want to give you the different types of coping strategies, so you can see if you have been doing any of them. If you have coped with avoidant-focused strategies, it is okay. I think between all the different strategies of coping, most of us have done a few of each. We are just trying to figure out how to live life after we’ve been through abuse and neglect. Below is a list of the different avoidance-focused coping strategies.
• Taking out on somebody in response to situations causing anger or anxiety (changing direction)
• Not sharing feelings with anybody,
• Staying away from people in general,
• Rejecting to believe in others’ explanations,
• Trying to reduce the tension by using more tranquilizers or drugs,
• Trying to reduce the tension of anxiety by eating more,
• Sleeping more,
• Doing uncontrolled shopping,
• Denying negative feelings and/or trying to forget (Burger, 2006; Aydın & İmamoğlu, 2001)
(Osmanoğlu, 2019).
According to the article, Stress Generation, Avoidance Coping, and Depressive Symptoms, “Avoidance coping involves cognitive and behavioral efforts oriented toward denying, minimizing, or otherwise avoiding dealing directly with stressful demands and is closely linked to distress and depression” (Holahan, C., Moos, R., Holahan, C., Brennan, P., Schutte, K., 2005). This type of coping can lead to depression later on in life. It is not effective and can only hurt you more later on in life.
Coping Strategies Results
Now that we have discussed the three types of coping strategies: problem-focused, emotion-focused, and avoidant-focused, we want you to look back through them and make mental check marks of what strategies you have used over the years to help your body and mind feel better. Whether your strategies are coming from problem, emotion, or avoidance focused coping, you are not alone. I definitely know I have coped within all three areas.
Today, is the day we begin learning to cope in a healthy way. The most effective coping I have seen from my own personal experience and talking to others that have grown up in abusive homes is problem-focused. Different strategies work for different people. But it is important that you choose ways that will help you see life through new lenses.
My Resilience Story
From lesson one to lesson four, I have shared my story with you. It started with my abuse at 5 years old, then between 17-18 I was abused again by my ex-boyfriend. I encountered the whole spectrum of abuse throughout my childhood and adolescence. If you haven’t been following my story from the beginning, I encourage you to go back and read it. My favorite part of my story is my life now and how I got to where I am.
After enduring about a year and a half of my ex-boyfriend physically, emotionally, and sexually abusing me, I knew in my heart that I deserved better. I didn’t want to live the rest of my life like that. It got to the point where I would wake up wondering if he would end up killing me that day. So, I left him. I packed my bags and moved back home. During that year I was being abused by my ex, my mom would invite me over to the house to have dinner. She would constantly text me to go to church with them and to just spend time with my family. When I would go over for dinner, when I was allowed to by my boyfriend, the missionaries would be there. My family and I are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. In our church we have missionaries. Missionaries are both men and women all over the world that are called to serve in another area of the world to serve God and teach many people of what we believe.
The missionaries would come often to my parent’s house for dinner appointments, haircuts, or to do their laundry. So, when I would go over to dinner or go to church with my family, the missionaries would talk to me about how I was doing. There was one particular missionary that through his example, I saw an opportunity for a better life. This missionary was truly kind-hearted, charitable, and honest. His priority was God and family. I had never met another man like him. As I got to know his character and personality, I slowly started changing my perception of men. I had thought all men were evil. I believed that men thought they were more powerful than women and they would all try to take advantage of me. But that wasn’t the case. I felt like I needed to be a better person around this missionary. He had a big heart and was so humble.
When I moved home, even though I was still breaking off my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, I was starting to see hope in my future of a better life. Because of the supportive family that I have and the missionary’s example, I started to cope in a healthy way. I began to self-love and have self-compassion for myself. I wanted to be the best version of me. I deserved that. The missionary I had previously talked about, got transferred to a different area. I stopped seeing him, but I still worked on self-healing. I remembered the kinds of qualities I saw in him that I wanted to develop for myself. I started to use more problem-focused coping strategies. I started running, I listened to uplifting music, went to church, started reading coping with trauma books, I talked to a therapist, and I prayed a lot. I got very close to God and my family again. I was finally able to see the light at the end of a very long dark tunnel.
It had been about six months since I started coping differently and my family started noticing a light or glow in my countenance. They said I looked happy. And I truly was beginning to feel better. The abuse stopped controlling my decisions in life. The abuse I went through stopped being an excuse for all the horrible mistakes I had made. I started making healthier life changes. After some time of self-healing, I was open to dating again. I feared being hurt, I still had anxiety, but I have learned that I was capable of finding the kind of love that makes you a better person. I decided to go to college and get an education. It was January of 2017, when I started college at Brigham Young University-Idaho. By this time, the missionary man that helped me see a new perspective on life and in men started his freshman year at BYU-Idaho. We met up there and we started dating.
When we started dating, he was beyond my hopes and dreams of what I thought I deserved. He was and still is a genuine, loving man. Six months after dating, he proposed. I know that seems so quick, but we were so in love. It wasn’t the kind of love that would ever hurt me, I knew this because I got to know his true character as a person. Two months after he proposed we got married in Newport, California. We now have been married for over two years and have an 8-month-old baby girl. My husband, to this day, has shown me what true love is. He is like a breath of fresh air, the love you want to last forever, and my hero.
Living a Resilient Life
There were a few things I learned that truly helped me cope in the best way possible. The first, was my family, especially my mom. My mom is a true hero to me. She never failed to stop loving me unconditionally no matter what choice I ever made, she was there to talk whenever I needed her, and she was always my shoulder to cry on. I went through very depressing dark times in my life and my mom was there through it all with me. I aspire to be like her one day. She has no idea how grateful I am for all the heartache and sacrifice she went through with me.
If you have a supportive family, or even just one member of your family you can turn to, you should. Families are important. If the abuse started within the family, is there a sibling you can talk to? A close friend you consider family? When you have a strong support system whether they are biologically your family or not, it can help you begin living a resilient life. When you surround yourself with good people, a good environment, you have the ability to overcome the odds of abuse and neglect.
Another thing that helped me start coping in a healthy manner, was my own desire to want a better life for myself. The day I said the words, “I deserve better” and truly meant it, is the day I started making choices that would make my future better. After you are abused, there can be a lot of self-blame that stops you from thinking you deserve a chance at a successful, happy life. But you do, no matter what type or how severe your abuse was.
If you can seek out professional help, I encourage you to do so. Therapy can teach survivors of abuse and neglect how to get out of unhealthy relationships or recover from the traumatic events they have experienced. Although if you are experiencing life-threatening emergencies or know of someone who is, call 911. You can also call
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
• National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
• Child help National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-422-4453
In the next lesson we will go over where to go for help, who to go for help, and how you can learn to help yourself using different techniques.
Take Action
Either many of you have been through abuse yourselves or know of a friend who has been through abuse. In this lesson’s take action, we encourage those of you who know of friends that have been abused to reach out to them using these guidelines. A huge part of recovery and resiliency is having a support system. Sometimes therapy isn’t always an option for everyone. You have the opportunity to save a life. Just remember to always take care of yourself.
If you are the one who has been through child abuse and neglect, all you need is the desire to want a better life for yourself and start using healthier coping strategies. If you have developed an addiction such as drugs, alcohol, pornography, or any other type of addiction, it is not too late to get help. Talk to someone and get the help you need and the help you deserve. Together as victims of abuse, we can strive and be successful just as any other person. In fact, we can be stronger because of our experiences.
What can I do? (Kids Help Phone)
Be there: being there for your friend is one of the best things that you can do during this tough time.
Listen: let your friend talk about what’s going on and be a good listener. Try not to tell them what they need to do, other than to get help.
Be supportive: encourage your friend to get support from a guidance counsellor or someone else who can help. Offer to go with your friend if they’re worried about telling an adult about the situation. You can also be there when your friend calls child protection services or the police.
Reach out: reach out to your friend if you think something’s wrong but they haven’t told you anything. You could ask about a specific incident and try saying something like, “She really grabbed you hard back there. Are you OK?” You could ask how things are going at home. You could say, “I’ve noticed that you seem down, and I’m worried about you. Is there anything that you want to talk about?”
Believe: believe that your friend is telling the truth.
Check in: call your friend to see how they’re doing. Understand that they may not always want to talk about it. Do things that will take your friend’s mind off of their problems for a while. Activities like taking a walk or watching a movie can help a lot.
Take care of yourself: supporting a friend is hard work, so be sure to look after yourself. You may want to talk to someone, such as a guidance counsellor or other safe adult.
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